A hand grenade in your marriage: Mid-Life Lesbian Coming Out

When I fell in love with a woman after 25 years of marriage to a man, I felt as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into my rather well-cultivated and curated life.

It certainly blew up my perception of myself. It led me to consider whether I am the sort of person who could really prioritise my feelings over the home and family I’d created, pretty much single-handedly.

Now, a decade later, I’m sitting at my desk—no, that’s the story…

The reality is I’m in bed with my laptop and a cat on a Sunday morning. I’m editing my upcoming book, MID-LIFE LESBIAN: The Coming Out Companion (Jessica Kingsley Publishers/Hachette, 2027). Downstairs, my wife is with the dogs, listening to The Archers omnibus and batch-cooking dinners for the week ahead.

This peaceful, ordinary Sunday morning is my happy reality on the other side of the blast radius.

A decade or more ago, there was absolutely no roadmap for this transition. There was no playbook for the rising, restless anxiety, the identity split, guilt, or eventually the restructuring of a life. It was not easy. The challenges kept on coming, I was not prepared and until I found my support group, I was working everything out from “catalyst” to coming out on my own.

If you are now in a similar position, I don’t want you to feel alone or to go to the effort to research and and creation of management strategies that I had to navigate.

I insisted on the word Companion would be within the book’s title because when you are standing in the wreckage of your old life, you need a steady, understanding presence by your side offering ways of slowing down, reflecting and support to find the words you need to express your feelings and your needs.

Because there was  no manual for me back then, I built one from scratch through my own tears, from under my blankets out of 36+ years of clinical practice as a psychotherapist and deep self-reflection throughout my coming out process which so far has taken nearly 15 years.

THE MANUAL is my 50-unit, self-paced correspondence journalling course, sectioned into 7 modules, one for each colour of the rainbow. It provides the structured, private guidance, journalling prompts, reflective exercises and direct communication with me (at the end of each of the 7 modules) that I so desperately needed once myself. Today I use these exercises with women in my therapy practice, straight, gay, bi-sexual and trans. Coming out as lesbian is only one spoke in the wheel. The whole coming out is a holistic experience including body, mind, emotions and many of my straight clients come out as neurodiverse or asexual or start their own business after years of conforming.

I once saw an exhibit at The Tate Modern in London. The room was a garden shed that had exploded and hanging mid air were tools, papers, parts of a bicycle, pieces of wood and the walls and roof of the structure itself. I kept being drawn to return to the room of this moment in time when the shed could be viewed in a unique way, neither as before or after but mid flight. Freeze frame effect but I could walk around it and view from 360 degrees of perspective.

I’m a big fan of stepping outside the box and walking away from it in order to see the world outside. Unbelievably I wrote this poem when I was 23 years old! Yet I did not know I was gay for another 25 years or autistic until 36 years after writing.

COVER UP

Washing the dishes

I scrub

scrub

scrub

the domestic dirt.

 

The china house grows

is listing,

I steady it

with gloved hands.

 

A knock on the door,

then my face wears

mother’s smile.

My mouth takes

parent voices:

Words making no sense

through the thick walls,

of time, drown

the edgy clink

of cups on the tray.

 

I lay out

the biscuits, slow

a long row,

forever and ever

amen.

 

I lift mine eyes

to the quiet hills,

From whence cometh my strength?

I see lawn the size

of my kitchen window.

 

 

Looking in, I watch

my outstretched arm,

the shaking,

tea-spilling cup

my silent acquiescence.

 

Does this poem make any sense to you today? Was I writing coded messages to my future self back in 1988?

A raw, unedited working snippet frm my laptop as I edit Chapter 1 of MID-LIFE LESBIAN: A coming out companion (JKP/Hachette 2027) Final text subject to change.

Women have not only been dismissed or minimised, but have lived under suspicion about our trustworthiness. When internalised, misogyny means we mistrust ourselves.

Mothers were given electric shock treatment for postnatal depression and lobotomies were prescribed for women in mental anguish due to domestic abuse in the 20th century. Polly’s mother asked her, “How did you not know?” Having been at school during the time Section 28 was in effect, Polly replied,“Mum, it was literally legislated against!”

For those raised as girls in the second half of the last century, the default assumption was that they were straight.

Now for a more personal approach: A journalling prompt from THE MANUAL – you can download and print the PDF here.

 

 

Find a quiet, private and relaxed space to write in your journal. If you’d like any further materials please book the 50 day course (which includes personal emails with me) HERE. You can begin and complete in your own time at your own space. Just like therapy, the content is important but equally important is the experience. Each time you face your feelings like this you build the information that you are strong enough to know how you feel and to process it. Your inner wise woman is guiding you.

Don’t miss upcoming events, some are free and many are low cost. SIGN UP to my newsletter here.

NEXT support group on this topic is Wednesday 20th May. DETAILS HERE

Any questions? I’m contactable on miriam@blue-skies.org.uk

 

With kind thoughts,

Miriam.

 

ABOUT MIRIAM GRACE:

With 37 years of clinical practice as a Senior Psychotherapist and 15 years of lived experience, Miriam Grace is a UK leading voice and specialist for women navigating mid-life sexuality and late-in-life transitions.